Sometimes I wonder if we got it right for you guys. So many changes, in so little time. Then I look at you both:
T, your funny faces and sheer fascination with life; M, quirks and interests that define you so perfectly.
You show me the Turkey you see, with no fear, no nuance, just as. And through your eyes, the words I use to describe our world change.
You remind us of the journeys that led us to you and the beauty that was found on the way yet you experience those in a way neither Baba nor I have. For you, love exists without language; cultures dont require a border.
Through you – because of you – our reintegration into life here in Turkey has been chanelled through laughter and engagement with what’s good. For you, because of you, we filter out the bad from our days.
Because of you darlings, my spirit feels light in your prescence even when my brain and heart hurt.
Yet, still I worry and hope you haven’t noticed; hope my smiles are always genuine to you.
Do you notice when your questions throw my heart out for a loop? When I dont know how to feel about the answer? Do you see how much I struggle to explain a past that’s so troubled and strange, yet so uniquely perfect in its leading to you; can you tell when your queries send me back there? Soon the simplified answer won’t cut it anymore, you’ll want more than I know how to give and I sweat merely thinking of how to expand. So many of the answers are enigmas to you; concepts of cultures we have shielded you from; products of problems you don’t yet need to face. But I wont lie to you. I’ll tell the truth and wont sugar coat because Allah has always had a plan, and you, my darling ones, are products of an incredible journey. Its from mistakes that we learn, from the watching and making of them. And my past holds many lessons for you. For now though, love and places in all technicolour is all that you really need to know.
As we nurture you in this home space I wonder if you’ll look back and feel the freedom we see as you express and discover yourselves, or if my rejection of the norm will lead to gaps you feel unfilled, of an missing you can sense but not quite define. Will you feel the ‘other’ somewhere you should feel at ease? Do I subconciously hope thats the case? Will you call us out on hypocrasy when we pull the safety card over speaking your mind when all your days, from clothes to chocolate to schooling have been an open-ended lesson in autonomy? Will there still be the need for my deep-rooted fears to use the card or will you be free to totally be?
I watch you, wonder in you and enjoy you everyday while you play then I worry over again while you sleep. Then you wake and ease my fears once again. For ‘others’ you are; as different to each other as unique to yourselves. You’re like noone else but yourself, darling ones. If your short lives have shown us anything it’s that you don’t weather the storms, you flourish in them. Where we hear thunder, you see rain and free us to splash without wellies in the downpour. Thanks for the puddles, aşkim benims; sorry for any sleet in the rain.