Remember the magic of squinting into a kaleidoscopes’ glass? Of seeing light splinter into fragmented glimpses of the world you were looking at, yet couldnt quite see? I always thought that growing up would mean those splintered shards of light would come together again, that life would stop being this beautifully mesmerising chaotic mess of pieces which delighted in tormenting a soul desperate to see the picture in full. I thought life would become just one picture.
How boring would that then have been?
The boys have just gone down for the night, one asleep on his tummy in the middle of our bed, the other curled on his side, fetal position, just about tucked under the sheet he’ll soon throw off. Two completely different children, two identical sons growing up so very fast my eyes, let alone heart, can’t contain their leaps as they move with this speed. Already T turns over and moves in circles, tongue sticking out as with his big grin as he goes, reacting eagerly to our voices, responding with laughter and recognition of love, whilst with his perfect language-tinted diction in both “Mummy” and Baba, not forgetting “woof” sounds, to his academic style of waiting, legs ever so slightly apart, hands crossed behind his back and a transfixed inquisition within his brown forest eyes, M awes me every day in his prescence.
As a child I always wished I could pause my vision while rearranging the pictures around, to snapshot the splinters to reframe them as logic because the beauty in the chaos somehow didnt make sense. A friends son recently left behind his kalaedoscope after a play date and as M sat on my knee, the two of us squinting our noses to narrow our eyes I was overwhelmed with the simple beauty of sheer kaleidoscope vision.
Life with two babies – just balancing that! There’s not enough minutes in the day. And while a new path of adventure opens wide on our tracks, daily life ticks on over, and we go on balancing coulds with shoulds, dousing guilt with reason and reason with doubt, aiming for sanity in a world that’s insane, redefining whats normal when nothing makes sense, aspiring for abnormal when normal draws near. My entire soul within our entire world has fallen headlong into the most magical of kaleidoscopes and the light mingled within shines over the shadows to hold and captures those precious glimmers, and reflect them back mirror vision when time holds her dance for a step.