My sweetest T,
Strange though it may sound starkly written, for the first few weeks you were home I waited, almost longingly for your cry. I couldn’t help worry your placid nature was a result of having learnt how to be so, of being alone in NICU without me nearby to answer your cries so that you’d stopped asking anymore, didn’t know I was here now. But time has flown on and I see now this was your unique way. I see as I watch smiles fill your face that the silence you choose to keep lets you soak up the world as you wait and the guilt that then filled me – at leaving you behind to come home without you, for not having moved you to a NICU where we could sit by your side – the guilt I felt for not knowing you until then a week and more late has ebbed away watching you, with every smile grown weaker and dulled. Watching you now in this silent contentment as the shadows of our home dance overhead, I can be thankful for the smallness of the NICU. Your stillness is chosen, not learned and in your stillness I’m learning to rest.