is that really all it’s been? weeks, days, months. time’s relative. easy come, easy go. am i crazy?
what’s normal anyway?
rewind. cant see where we’re from. am i crazy? who is she?
four years from because to a baby. did you choose that? did i? Is there we, you and me? feels like just you. and just me. from because to this…now would be time for why.
you wanted…what? me? you never thought you’d marry again. so who dealt the cards? changed the course? me? you?
us? what’s ‘us’, anyway.
it has to be real. is it real?
too short the skirt. too long the abaya. never quite there. the culture, the language, age…whats common now? where did we go from to get where we are. rewind.
to have and to hold. don’t want to be had, dont need to be held. is held a need or a want? shouldn’t it simply be? love. what does that mean?
im babbling. crazy. 5am and baby sleeps, again. but he woke, he woke to a bed with just me. i cuddled him. am i enough? are we? you’re here but not there. i drove you away? im good at that, seems. cyclical. inevitable, huh?
four years, give or take. it only took 5. from stroke to him going..5 years. i should have stayed to help. could have been around. but then we wouldnt be here, baby wouldnt be here. but you wouldnt be sad, dear, if only i wasnt here. escape. fear. run from the unknown into the unknown. independence? should have seen it through. can’t go back, can only move on.
onto where? poor baby. two languages, two cultures, one life.. his life. scared i’ll screw that up too. im good at that.
cyclical. press repeat. turn off the button. we need to find pause.
no pause with a baby. no time out here.
this. is. it.
and it’s a good it. im excited – i love us..really love ‘us’ but i dont love this. where is it hidden? i’ve lost it?
time has no meaning, it passes. slow, fast..no matter. four years, four weeks, who’s counting? four years. from because to a baby. from because to why – backwards, always. can you go backwards? when you fast forward to here, can you rewind to there? press pause…slow down?
babbling. baby sleeps, he sleep. i type, type type. make it clear. words better out than in. nonesense. my nonesense. words here seem clear, somehow.. tangible, clear. nonesense, perhaps. but my nonesense. making. it. real.
wouldnt change it. you, me, him, Him, here. Can’t change it. It is what it is and im grateful for that; thankful, even. but cant change it. it is what it is, so lets go with it. but lets walk, not run. the running’s been done, i think.
two languages, two cultures. two beings, two wholes. split in half we made him. together we make… us? he’s doing fine. and the rest?